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(no subject)

It occurs to me more and more that I don't have to be thought well of; in fact the more I do that is demmed inappropriate, the more well I am.
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Youtube rant

Bzzz6 months ago
Social interaction with friends provides energy? Hell no. People stress me out. All of them. Some more, some less. Leave me alone, let me be a weirdo.
Lesj Conj
Lesj Conj1 second ago
Me too. I immediately thought, ah, so my equivalent to this would be - more reading books and being in nature.
Lesj Conj
Lesj Conj1 second ago
I find I really enjoy being in a public park in the sunshine, not talking to anyone, just sitting eating or cycling, people-watching.
Lesj Conj
Lesj Conj1 second ago
It still feels a bit sad but much much less than when I was younger. I have the wish that I could interact with people as well as most people do, but in my own way. Like, that most people valued more of what I value - since I wouldn't want to change so much to accommodate them. I feel like I have changed so that people will find me more enjoyable, and I have enjoyed that. Learn one thing and it often affects everything else in your life for the better. But I still hold onto resentment and want my success at social interaction to increase even more and at a much faster rate, I hate that it's still tiring - though decidedly less. Basically I am saying I want to be on some kind of mass drunken exciting adventure with overly thoughtful, strange people
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(no subject)

If series 2 is ANYTHING like series 1 it should be burned.
How can someone with your intelligence seriously like this version

of Doctor who?
I endured a few episodes. I am well aware it is absolute bilge. I

watched it with my mother - she likes things like Strictly Come

Dancing, I believe she says it's just for the dancing although I'm

sure she's perfectly ok with everything else that makes me want to

smash people's shiny teeth in. Just because of the things she has

watched. Irritating bilge for the masses.
I'd had about enough when they brought the gameshow in space

episode out. Pretty cool idea, but rapidly went crap. In fact, this is

one of the reasons this particular show confuses me. SOmetimes

you have original moments. Sometimes, like some victorian ghost

story thing, it's very dissappointing, and turns into a badly carried

out cliche scene - satisfying unhappy ghosts. They then show their

true colours as evil, but I'm only slightly interested because

everything stinks of shit generally, and I'm certain that same twist

has been done before. And of course the earth is saved. Oh no,

the past, sorry. Because that's more original.
I believe the next episode was of aliens invading. I thought this

might turn out well, the obviously unoriginal concept could turn

out in so many ways, it could be done well. But it did turn out

blindingly unoriginal, and did not sweep you up in it, didn't make

you believe it. The Prime minister and co, for example, just seemed

like a small number of guys in suits for the day. Aliens? Invading?

Get out of my office at once. Silliness. The secretary pisses me off

too. She's obviously there so middle-of-the-road middle-aged

women feel like they can be the heroine, in some way, their lives

can have a point. The secretary of the prime minister is not going

to be all trusting and kind and go out of her way for some nuts.
Everybody waking up in a trance and stumbling towards london

bridge to throw themselves off - in a manner complete alike to an

early zombie film but it doesn't matter, it's a good idea. Though I

have no empathy with thousands of average citizens doing

themselves in, it is exciting and moving. Well, it could have been.

And now to what is possibly my first and biggest irk. That Rose girl.

She fucked up that scene, it could have been moving, she made it

throwaway, just being there, being herself.
Are you from england, sir? If not I can excuse you this one, though

her retchiness should emanate across the Atlantic in my book. She

is the (nice, normal, version however. Not a ghetto gehwll

wannabe in some council flat, bacardi breezer petrol bomb ready

to throw at the local corner shop) typical girl of our fair land. Not

quite a chav, but only because she's had relatively little thrown at

her and she's had idiot friends to bond with and make her feel

special and certain she's got a personality worth a... fuck.
These creatures have all the passion of someone certain that being

an air hostess or redcoat is their loftiest seat in life. Butlins should

have a night dedicated to it, the kids will scream yaay, when they

should be screaming urrrhurhuhurhuhurrrrrr behind the sofa. The

'best' become pop singers, or, I dunno, Big Brother contestants.

Glad I haven't been reminded of that show by Doctor Who - oh

shit. Yes, I forgot to add that in the space gameshow bit. Fucking

hell, that was like my worst nightmare, running through rooms

which are all my worst media enterprises, but more neon! But to

everyone else, at the end of the day, it's fun. It's just a bit of fun. It's

a light entertainment memory lane, you got have some fun, dont

ya, innit?
Straight onto another episode. Alien cult with skull faces gets

routed by the Doctor in pj's. I read how much effort had gone into

making those aliens look menacing. Why? Why bother? Why not

go the whole hog and make it into a spoof?
You see I had high hopes for Doctor Who. What people said about

it, I ignored their grins at the bad special effects, and looked at the

snatched clips of it, with that amazing music, thinking, wow, this

must have been incredible. It must have taken you galaxies away

from this world jam-packed full of nobodies and their helpful

additions. I managed to grab the end of one episode - a green

blob was circling menacingly. A green fucking blob! But it scared

the shit out of me! Yes I was about 11, and I'm significantly more

desensitised now, thankyou One World Culture, but it's the point

that with so little to work with, they managed to create this

twisted atmosphere. You receive the conviction that if you

somehow managed to end up on a planet with some form of life,

it would be so ...strange you'd feel fear like our true lack of

illumination, sitting on a tiny speck, in a freezing nothingness that is

incomprehensibly vast.
I saw, what, five minutes? And some other scuttling around a

Dalek spaceship? That has continued to intrigue me, but Rose etc

will continue to make me wish the world really would end. It pisses

all over whatever its legacy was.
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Unsent to W_S, fear of risked anonymity

I fantasise about finding you, realising it's you, and telling you that I know you're wandering scribe, and I'm not a bad person, would like to be a friend.
I'm a student, and feel quite artistic, always writing notes and stuff. I've also spent a good deal of time on my own, wandering around in my own thoughts, if I have spare time trying to find natural places in the city, or whatever will spark my interest. It's still incredibly hard to express myself, I'm sounding like I have no worries and I just wander freely with my head in the clouds, it's very rarely like that. I'd hate me if I was you reading this.
Do you realise, I've only read a few entries but you're sounding more and more like a poet or something. Do you think you're turning into one.
I'm kind of thinking, that if you take the experience alone, your experience of sitting on the bench at the top of the hill in london, and my experience of sitting on the bench at the top of another hill, they have no difference. And I felt free, and good to be alive.
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I bumped into ashley on the way out of the bathroom. Wow, I'm writing about the bathroom again, bathrooms must be a nexus for me or something. The atmosphere, the being alone, or the bog-hog meditation.
Ashley: "You ok? I thought I heard you yelling something - all?"
Me: "Yes, I was watching myself tell myself how much work and job searching I had done."
Ashley: "All?"
Me: "Oh, add an 'f' word to the beginning."
Ashley: "Ah."
Me: "yeah. Can't say naughty words. Mouth is unclean enough as it is, have not cleaned teeth in a while. A plague might jump up outta there or something."
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Old recovered thought processes

Male rewarded for simply being me, doing things that I enjoy, engaging in those things and only really absent-mindedly engaging, if at all, with those things I don't - this is the way life should be

All of us fighting the tiredness and the misery of our existence every day in order to live and communicate acceptably and within acceptable min-max limits

Reminders-many flavoured cocktail sick freak ashamed to be me hostages Hazlemere church house foetus fly rape quiz bouncy twig(s) kill nature
(can womankind live purely artificially?would they have to alter themselves)sssswww

Can I process pleasure and pain
without sentience? (animal ethics?)

legs waist seperated, hold up torsoless, like in dream, make things work nonetheless

Belief changes with situation. I am not damned for eternity because I am safe, in a comfortable situation..?(All is lies and pretentiousness and plastic taste in back of throat)

Band playing, image multiplies and the music and their movements converge into an abstract energy, large unstable being moving unnaturally in all directions at once while retaining one stable, changing idea. It eventually becomes more and more reminiscent of a human until it is shakily unmistakeable, and when a knife is ripped across the throat the music immediately changes and fades.

(Male-transvestite-pre-op-post-op transsexual-woman lacking feminity-feminine woman-ULTRA FEMININE FEMALE->She has a vagina that stretches down the thighs as if to overtake their length, and halfway or more up the stomach. As if you had a penis, that you enlarged about five times, stretched out into a broad circular flesh volcano, with flaccid spout, and I want to go mwah. I believe it would taste somewhat acidic, however?

(irrelevant justification)Like a very religious person uses their mind to decide what should be in their heart, or vice versa, mind decides what is in penis

YOU SAID you said what you wanted. How do you think I feel about that.

Council flat attempt at luxurious garden, poke fun at themselves using burnt out oven and scrap heap model bird

sleek dark apollonian hard glint eyes piercing through nose offset by pink flower in dark hair

The muslim women hiding everything in obscuring black cloth

I stared outta window, couldn't take in interesting words, many things interesting they're just beyond me, so I watch the birds fly, most people can appreciate that, or the anti-beauty \M/. Then read pidge's blue book bit. Related to mostly all of it, no matter what she might say in response, and I'm so glad she showed just how open her mind can get, again, by showing her optimism at the end.Your hope, your hope, I feel its steady hand, etc. Oh...and then ran straight after that to catch my brake bus, which links the hospitals and plays the radio, something similar to capital. All the drivers seem to have the same taste in music, or pretend to. Anyway, point is, I'd just read that entry, and fucking George Michael starts singing into my tender grey matter, Faster love. I didn't, but should have, repeated I love pidge like a mantra to try and drown him out, it was so graphically like she'd just been putting so beautifully. Felt like I was a throat and the world was an unidentified rotten thing from a wastebin sliding down it.And then Natalie Umbruglia whatever's new single played!! Well it's all the fucking same really isn't it. But they do all have different insidious agendas. Natalie speaks like a parent to a six year old, providing only enough information to convey the chosen effect. I am going to follow her home in my batman costume, dispose of bodyguards with a BatBomb and then take her back to the Batcave, recently refurbished to my own tastes, of course. Here, no-body would be able to hear her screams, and after the media's already forgotten about her disappearance I'll let her out, with her mind turned inside out. Beautiful. I love being in a good mood.

save money on car= cool. Make money make money money. Do you really have to look at the people chattering behind you to know what they look like? No.

This must all be recorded. Don't ask why, just state:record, repeat, state, repeat,state, repeat

Here in amer I have found silence,loneliness and true mundanity, and that in itself has shown itself to be a very necessary step for shaping me, not spectacularly but subtley
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(no subject)

Games are a kind of art, aswell as porn. Look at a picture of an island in a school textbook. It probably won't be presented very interestingly, 'education' is the focus. But an island created by graphics... there is just something about the way, say a strategy game's, 'place', looks like that fills, me anyway, with excitement. You know what you can expect - acessibility of exploraing a world removed from reality, doing things yourself, changing things and creating things, acessibly - or can't expect. It doesn't look like reality, it has a spin towards messy destruction or unnerving morbidity or exotic strangeness and it's framed and it's there for you to plunder with your mind. Or your brain, rather, in the case of a computer game.